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info="Til death do us part" wasn't nearly long enough for Max and Abby as his ghost returns to help her get over him. But with a second chance to be together, neither will ever want to say goodbye again
USA
Directed by=Faleena Hopkins
duration=1h 40 Minutes
Drama

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Tik Tokers entered the chat. This is a very, very long rant. Hello, to someone who might read this. It feels weird to do this but I want to tell my story to people who might understand. I'm not professionally diagnosed but I definitely have deep emotional and mental problems. Please don't tell me to seek out professional help. I want to have therapy so so bad. I know that I need help, but for now it's not possible, because if I would ask my parents they would tell me I should pray to god and he would fix the "phase" I have. But I assure you, as soon I get the opportunity to seek out professional help, without my parents knowing I'm going to. As long as that is impossible I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me on my own. I did so much research during quarantine because I started to question my sense of self, especially my identity and endet up having an internal crisis. I thought my issues weren't that deep, because I never was physically abused and technically everything in my life was fine. I had clothes, food and an overall loving family (on the surface). And I played it down because I thought: someone like me can't call their experiences trauma, because I was never hit nor bullied. Generally people liked me (because I was a massive people pleaser and still do it but it's gotten better) or at least they were nice to me. My parents supported me, helped me out when I needed money for something. And now there are two parts of me fighting. The one part that knows exactly how f*cked up I really am and the other part that tells me I'm exaggerating, that I should stop overthinking and stop being ungrateful. Im torn and I hope to find at least one person who kind of understands me. I feel like no one could ever get me. Because my "trauma" doesn't feel validated. Even though I found out that the part of the brain that is responsible for physical pain is also responsible for emotional pain. It still feels like I don't deserve to be heard. Because on the surface everything was perfectly fine. And even though I talked to friends about it and they really helped me, they still told me to be grateful that I was well liked and no one directly hurt me. But I can't. I can't look at the positive aspects and live normally. It affects my life. It affects the person I am. It shaped me. I can't concentrate (and it got worse and worse with time), I have emotional outbursts that I learned to hide, I'm constantly on guard and don't feel safe in my house (because I constantly think my parents could find out something that I'm hiding fro them), I can never relax no matter where I am (except when I'm at my boyfriends house and I know no one is going to be at home for a longer period of time), I feel like I'm not worth it, I feel ugly on the inside and outside, and I hate myself for coping by overeating (I'm not obese nor anything near it, but if I continue to eat how I eat without going to the gym it could happen), I feel like I have to be the main mother-figure to my sisters because my mum so is emotionally detached that I don't want them to think that what she does is real love. But the worst thing is how distant I feel from my emotions and myself. Does a "myself" even exist? Can I ever be "it"? I feel numbed out and drained, even though I do nothing all day but distracting myself as good as I can. I feel like I never achieved anything and that I never will. Everything is overwhelming and so hard to do, even the littlest homework or task. That's why I have a pile of work in my e-mails and in the back of my mind that stresses me the hell out. But I just can't get myself to do it unless it has a deadline (and even then I tend to it last minute). I feel weak, stupid and misunderstood and I think to myself: if that continues all my good marks are going to drop. And then my parents are going to be a problem even on the surface. Im doing my A-Levels (class of 2021) in Germany (I was born here) right now and I just feel like I can't do it. And it is required from me that I get prestigious degree. Even though I would rather pursue a singing career. That was the longest introduction I ever wrote, but it needed to be at least written down somewhere. So, what is the big deal? What am I complaining about? (I'll try to create a chronological order and to remember everything crucial but I yesterday realized that I'm missing blocks of time in my memories even from recent times. ) It all started even before I was born. My parents found each other through friends and got together. My mum lived in Kazakhstan before moving to germany (I still don't exactly know why) and my father lived in Siberia before moving to Germany (his and my uncle's parents wanted to prevent them from having to fight in a war zone) and so they happened to live in the same city and then met. They got together and married. Then their neighbors invited them to go with them to a Russian-German evangelical church and they ended up being members. Then I was born and everything was perfect. I was in church every Sunday from the moment my mother could leave the hospital. I never knew anything different. And as soon as I was able to be separated from my mother for 2-3 hours I was with other children in my age while the adults were attending the "big" service. And then the indoctrination started. I don't remember much from my time in church (or the cult as I call it now) from the time before I was 12. I only remember my time in school. Which is very odd to me, but what do I know? I just remember being a people pleaser from the start and everything they taught us but there aren't much of clear memories. I was good at being a people pleaser. Now it's easy for me to approach people and connect on a surface level. But at what price? It's scary to me that my memories are so blurry. I don't even know who I was friends with, or if I even had friends (before the age of 10). I just remember that I wanted to be perfect in god's eyes. I wanted to be the perfect example of a girl who loves Jesus with all her heart. I wanted people on church to look at me and think that I will make it far in my faith. And I achieved that, I think. But now I hate my past self for caring so much. So what where we taught there? God created the world, Jesus died for my sins and resurrected after three days, the Bible is the only truth and the only way I must live (everything else is the devil's work) and even though they didn't say it in particular but that our church is the only one to teach the "real" truth and that every other church doesn't have god in it and immediately leads to hell and damnation. We were taught that the secular world was highly dangerous and as soon as were not following one of god's (the church's) rules, were open for demons to attack us. And to make it short: you could sin by thinking something. So we were taught to somehow control our thoughts but give full control to god, over every little aspect in our live, because everything is predestined and we don't have control about anything anyways. But we're still responsible for our actions somehow and still have a "free will" granted from god. While writing this I really understand how contradicting this is. And it was a core beliefe of mine. When an adult who looked after you as a toddler tells you this and there are 500 people who all believe it wholeheartedly, you try to justify it until you really can't anymore. And then everything shatters. Losing faith in something that was so deeply intertwined with your whole existence is like a part of you just died. Even though you know how ridiculous it was believing in it and you still feel stupid for not realizing it earlier. So in a nutshell everything bad you do is because you're not saved (because for someone who is "really" saved it's physically impossible to sin no matter how) and automatically fully your fault. But when you achieve something it's because god did it. You're never capable of doing or achieving something on your own. You're even unable to think in the "right, good way". So you're basically nothing and unimportant. But when you come to god, he gives you a purpose he specifically chose for you, you matter to him, you're worthy of his love (and even though we were taught he is forgiving to everyone and (almost) everything) if you only follow him everywhere he leads you. Another bizarre contradiction they teach little children: you're nothing but with god you're worthy. It makes me unbelievably mad that there are gradually more and more children who grow up believing this. Who are taught that demons, the devil and hell are around every corner to take them and torture them for eternity if they slip up one tiny bit. That's why I cried myself to sleep for years begging god to forgive me for saying "sh*t" one time or thinking in my head that I wanted to kiss a boy, not speaking of being attracted to a girl. Because of course anything then straight marriage within my church is wrong (yes I was expected to have a boyfriend within church and if he was in the "world" I had to convince him to go to church and he has to love god). We weren't allowed to date before 17 and of course no premarital s*x. But they took it further to prevent it all costs. You weren't allowed to be alone in a room with your s. o. Before marriage so nothing could possibly happen. Holding hands and short hugs were allowed when engaged. So if you grew up there, find a boyfriend and get engaged as fast as possible (because if you "fall in love" it must be gods plan) because you wanna f*ck, and then marry as fast possible (you had to be together at least a year and then be engaged for at least half a year) to have your first kiss ever (if you weren't sinful) I front of everybody when the pastor says: you may kiss the bride. We were taught that god wants us to be pure and learn to value our partner's personality. They told us girls that if we had a sexual relationship before marriage you would never know if he really loves you or just wants your body. And that every guy outside church would never love us for our personalities. Another contradiction. These young adults rush into marriage not because they think "wow I really value my partner as a person". No, they're s*x-driven teenagers lying to themselves (which is absolutely not their fault of course). No one is appreciating anything. And if they are, they're VERY lucky. Because there were maybe 15 people in your age range that you could end up with. Girls were also taught to save themselves because we are like chewing gum. And if you're all chewed up, your godly future husband wouldn't want you, wouldn't he? We were told we were pure glasses of water. And if we sleep around before marriage, or even with only one person, every time dirt would fall into our pure water. And no one wants to drink dirty water. But the one thing that stuck with me that my mother (and later on more older women) told me was: every time you sleep with a man, he takes a part of your soul with him. That's why there should be only one guy from the start. So that you don't end up losing your soul. The thought of that terrified me to the core and I believed it. Now I know it's bullsh*t but it was in my head constantly for 5-6 years. We were told to cover up so guys don't sin with their eyes and thoughts. Knee-length skirts and shorts were allowed (and I always hated how they looked on me) and you had to cover your belly and your shoulders at all cost. Cleavage was obviously not allowed and so weren't tight clothes (only skinny jeans, not leggings). Especially when you had a little bit more chest. And if you dared to show a little tiny bit of skin (no matter how hot summer was) even if it was accidental, you'd get in trouble for it. I was in that godforsaken building almost everyday. Except for Wednesdays where we would meet up with our local little group of girls (there was a leader a few years older then us and I'm glad mine wasn't as controlling as others and didn't force me too much to work in different groups in church) and discuss what our beloved (I could vomit remembering him and his sleazy and narcissistic behavior) pastor taught us last Sunday. I was involved in worship (and my love for singing kind of saved me because that's the only thing I really did because I myself wanted it) I danced (which was ok it was workout for me and not dancing for god when I think about it) I looked after toddlers once month during service (with other women) I was in the theater group and when there was an event for teenagers I was responsible for leading a group of other teenagers to organize it so everything was done and standing where it belongs (I liked organizing, so I was lucky they just positioned me there but it still was hella stressful). And I played the piano(which I didn't really enjoy). So there are the Basics. I was heavily involved. With 12 you move from being with children to the "big" service and you're finally old enough to be part of all the cool things the teenagers did. But then you're also constantly stressed out which worsened every year because obviously school got harder, but also church demanded more and more and suddenly you were thrown into highly responsible tasks which drained you. When I was 14 I started to constantly have headaches. I started drinking coffee because I was exhausted of not being able to sleep, being stressed out and constantly worried that someone would find out my secrets. (And now I need a very strong one for it to "work". ) Because in school I was someone else. I had a different name in school (my real name). In church the pastor required my parents to introduce me with a very far away nickname from my real name because it sounded like a name in the Bible that an evil person had and if I'd be called that it would curse me. I did and said what I wanted (it increased gradually because I still tried to be "myself", which you could be in church (no), in school but obviously couldn't do that, because no one can). I thought I was being myself I school and maybe that was "myself" when I was 14 but I still was the most severe case of a people pleaser. And I always endet up in dependent toxic friendships because I could never say anything against them. I had no one else who was close to me. So that also hurt me even though I didn't notice at the time. People abused my kindness, because in church they told us we had to be nice. And I could do at least that. So I held on to being nice to everyone, helping everyone and inviting people to come to church who were remotely close to me. Which still embarrasses me the most, but you get in trouble when you're not inviting people. I'm so glad I was in a very accepting class. No one was ever really bullied, just mocked for a few things, maybe. Which I was for being in that "church". And they told me early on: it's a cult, you believe in crazy sh*t, stop going there. But we were taught that people who are afraid of the truth always say that. School was kind of a safe place for me, even if I had toxic friendships and got hurt a few times, because we live about 25 kilometers away from church (the cult lol) and no one I knew from there could see me. And even though we were taught that god could see EVERYTHING and is always reading our thoughts I didn't feel very watched (I was scared sh*tless when I wore something in school we weren't allowed to wear in church and I thought I saw someone I knew) so I felt better in school then at home. And that's why my definition of "home" is something entirely different then that of people who grew up in an emotionally safe home. So what was living in my "home" like? I'm the first daughter of three and therefore my fathers precious first born. I learned really fast that just keeping quiet, smiling and doing what I'm told is the best way to avoid any more stressful situations. I hated every form of confrontation and I still do. When I was as young as 3 my father threatened to hit me with a belt (and did it a few times) but I stopped misbehaving or questioning so no one yelled at me anymore and no one told me to stand in a corner without looking around. So I just learned to not show my emotions at all at "home". Because emotions cause trouble and distress. They also told us that. God and our own intellect (which is controlled by god) must lead us. Emotions come out because of the devil. My father was in control of everything and to this day he's still extremely, s xist, r cist, homophobic, transphobic etc. You name it. And he still thinks I have exactly the same opinions as him. He is very critical of my boyfriend, but because he puts on a facade in front of my father as I do my father likes him. My parents (more my father) still don't want me to have anything premarital, even though they are less strict then before. So yeah I can't ask for birth control because then they would not let me see my bf. As I said my father is very controlling and has a very high opinion of himself. Because he is providing for our family he doesn't have to do anything regarding the house. This is on the woman and the four girls in his house, because that's what god made us for. Popping out babies, cleaning und cooking. But I still have to have a degree and a high paying job. And then I ask myself: what do you want from me? What? In church we learned that you have to find a job that gives you enough time to be as active as possible in church while giving birth to as many children as possible and managing your whole household completely alone. Because your husband is by god's law above you and there to "lead" you. How remarkably generous of you to lead me, because I can't decide on anything ever due to always thinking I don't have control anyways. That's why I need to plan everything obsessively and always know and control what's going on. I idolized my father until the realization that we don't have any emotional bond slowly reached me until it hit me hard. I had to organize my phone a certain way and delete massages so in case he would want to go through it he wouldn't find anything. He wanted me to be his perfect show-daughter who has good marks and serves god with all of her existence. And he really did that. In front of him I am what he wants me to be. I don't know what my mother wants. She just does what my father tells her and silently agrees to what he has to say. Maybe I learned to behave in that way because she did. I'm honestly sorry for her because she never had a chance to study anything that could make her independent, because of moving to Germany with 17 or 18 and not being able to speak the language very well. I could cry, because, no matter how brutal this sounds, her life is over in a way. She is what I never want to be. Whenever they told us how our future will look like I had a kind of panic that I never felt before. At the time I suppressed that but when I think back my heart rate goes up and I feel like I need to run as fast as I can. And that's why I hate to be dependent on someone. But weirdly I still end up in situations where I'm highly dependent. Another thing that I can maybe explain now is my reaction to my grandfathers death (he was more of a father to me then my own and his and his wife's home (which I also deeply loved) felt safe). When I was 11 years old my grandmother (my grandfathers wife) passed away because of cancer. And I was never allowed to see her while she was sick nor to attend the funeral. And in that time I already saw my grandpa rarely. When my parents told me my grandma passed away I cried one time. I know that I was sad but I somehow can't really recall my immediate emotions from that day. And I thought I'm glad that I still have my grandpa. But he passed away three months later. And I wasn't able to see him during these months. When my father (emotionlessly) told us that his father also passed away I felt nothing. I didn't cry. No reaction at all. And then I didn't think about it for years. But when I was 14 all of the sudden all of the emotions I should have felt when I was 11 crushed me harder then anything ever. It was like reliving the day I was told he was gone for ever for almost a year. And I was so confused. Why now? Why didn't I feel anything back then? Because my brain was already way to stressed for an 11 year old and just didn't process properly. Then three years later something triggered my memories and the horrors began. When I was 16 it hit me again because I found out he committed s*icide (through my cousin). Back to the cult. So am I still there? No. My parents realized how manipulative literally everything about it was and without telling anyone there (childhood friends I grew up with included) we went there one last time and on Sunday the 23rd September 2018 we drove away and never came back. And many others left too. We still meet every Sunday and I still sing there, because I don't want to confront my parents. I really don't want to be there because every time we're there I'm not really there. I'm just a shell that moves around. During the preaching (which a few men do in turns) I'm always completely zoned out and can only concentrate for a bit if I really really try. I don't know what that is or that means but I absolutely hate it because I can't control it. And sometimes I'm just sad for no reason, I still can't sleep and still get a massive headache and can't stand up properly without strong coffee. I still eat too much stuff really shouldn't and I feel bad for every little bit I eat. But I can't stop. And it also affects all of my relationships, especially with my bf. He sometimes doesn't understand but he still comforts me and is patient which I am really grateful for. And something that comes to my mind only now is that my father used to completely lose it when I had a bad mark. I was afraid to come home and always started crying before even telling him. And then he would shout even more, beat the table with his fist and tell me to stop crying. Now I can control if I'm going to cry or not when something upsets me. And if I want to show my emotions or not. Being a very good liar was essential and it still is. When my father is mad at me because I didn't do the dishes he still gets very impulsive and shames me because if he works and gives me food and clothing it's disrespectful to leave the dishes for too long. And when he stands beside me and doesn't stop while I do the dishes I just nod my head and say yes. It's the only way to avoid more pain at all costs. There are these moments but also the ones where he tries to talk to me and asks me how I am and then he tells me how he loves his first born princess. He tells that I'm the best daughter someone could have and that he's so so proud of me. And I just smile at him and say thank you. But on the inside I think: "if you knew who I really am and what I did that you don't of, you wouldn't talk to me anymore". He is proud of the daughter he created for himself that I still am in front of him. And also my mother tries to get closer to me after 16 years of distance and letting the church raise us. And the only thing that I would tell her if I was honest for a few seconds in the midst of all the lies I protect myself with is: "I'm sorry but it's too late. " I don't have any emotional connection to my parents and I never had. The first 16 years of my life partly wasted. I feel like someone took my childhood from me. Even my memories are blurry. And I know it's technically not my parents fault but I want to blame them so badly. And it makes me so mad that I was born because of the "church". Because they convinced my father to have children. I was cursed before I even existed. And still. I can recall a few beautiful memories of things I did with my friends there. The sleepovers, summer camp, singing together, playing hide and seek in the big building. All of us connected through our fear of the dangerous outside world and hell. There is no moment in my life where I wasn't afraid that some adult could dream, or feel( they taught us that god can reveal things about people to you when you have strong connection to the holy spirit) that I was a dirty sinner that acted differently in school. And it was so frightening, because when it's out that you messed up you can't attend certain rituals( like the holy communion) and that's when people know. They see that you're not taking part in it and the first thing that comes to mind is of course "premarital s*x!!! " When a couple did it (and someone found out) it's made sure by the authorities that in a week everyone knows. And I wanted to avoid people thinking that at all costs so was very aware and on guard all the time. I made sure I had a different app also open while watching vampire diaries on my phone because there you can switch faster so my father or my mother (who still just burst into my room whenever they want to) would never know I would watch something the devil created. My parents and everyone in church who was "responsible" for me always tried to shelter me and get anything with a "bad influence" away from me. But I still watched what I wasn't allowed to. The internet and myself raised me when my beliefs started to break away. People like Jenna Marbles taught me things parents should teach their kids. I educated myself on so much stuff I missed out on and started to build my own opinions and morals from 14-16. Basic knowledge like: it's okay to not believe what your parents believe was so new to me. And now? I just want to move out and study something so I'm always safe. I can't wait for the day where I'm finally going to be financially independent and don't have to rely on my father. Wow it feels good put all of that in words. When you read until now you must be really really bored, but thank you. I appreciate your attention greatly. I just wish I could get help.

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